Olympic Sports

Posted 27 Jul, 2012

It may have escaped your attention, but it seems some sporting event, called the Olympics, is taking place in London around now. In times past, odd events were added to the stock menu, either as full events or as demonstration sports. Mostly, the host nation would sneak a few home-grown sports into the mix in order to boost their medal chances.

Naturally, the French came up with live pigeon shooting and arranged for marksmen to slaughter around 300 innocent birds. More surprisingly, the same nation added cricket to the list in 1900. Only two teams entered, and the French team illegally consisted mostly of British embassy staff, who were duly slaughtered by the English gentlemen.

Of solo synchronised swimming we will merely raise a quizzical eyebrow and say nothing. Rope climbing appeared from 1896 to 1932 and it would be pleasant to surmise that slim Indian fakirs who, out of habit, disappeared at the top and so failed to attend the medal ceremony, caused its demise.

Pistol duelling wasn't as fatal as it sounds, since a live expert shot at a dummy, both being attired in appropriate period dress – making the dummy count two in total.

We have not heard of any demonstration sports being added to the current event, so have come up with some suggestions that might boost the home nation's chances of upping the haul of metal trinkets.

TOSSING THE CABLE (100m)

Teams of four strip a length of live electrical cable from the Docklands Railway line, toss it over a bridge into a van and drive to the Olympic stadium via a scrap metal dealer's in Peckham.

HOP, STEP AND BUMP

Contestants race down Oxford Street, with loaded plastic bags. This is a re-creation of a popular high street event, with special meetings being held across the country on Saturday mornings, where athletes barge their way through shopping malls, hopping and stepping to avoid the mass of chewing gum and other human and canine discharges. At the end of the race, as well as the number of other contestants bowled over, athletes are assessed by the cleanliness of their trainers and weight of goods carried.

SYNCHRONISED QUEUING

Britain's best chance of a medal haul, as no foreign team can even grasp the concept of joining the back of a line of people at a bus stop and shuffling forward in unison whenever a rare bus is spotted. Judges will award marks for setting off on the proper foot, quality of filthy looks given to queue jumpers and strength of the final lunge to grab the last available berth before the driver sets off at high speed.

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