Dining Chez Nous

I am continually bemused by the signs at pubs and restaurants that proudly proclaim their food is home-cooked.

Isn't the idea of going out for a meal to actually get away from home cooking? If making you feel at home is the aim and boast of these commercial eateries, why not go the whole hog and provide the complete home-cooked experience? Ah, what's this? Just such an advert…

The Restaurant for Real, Authentic

Home-cooked Food!

On arrival you will stumble over the unlit threshold, dump your coats somewhere in the hall and proceed to the main dining area, done out in the latest DFS sofa-sale style. Move any cats, dogs, old magazines and washing out of the way and park yourselves, feet up.

As you argue over what wine you should have, you can also heatedly debate whose turn it is to get the meal. But do not distress yourselves; after all, this is the restaurant offering the ultimate home-cooked experience!

A waiter will eventually turn up with the menu and tell you what needs eating up. You can choose from any, or several, of the following dishes:

Yesterday's pizza (right there on the sofa next to you, or possibly under you).

Soup of the Day (the day being last Wednesday).

Curried remains in genuine polystyrene box.

Poppadom pieces (self-service from the back of any adjacent armchair).

Chef's Selection of the Day (grab a tin at random).

Crisps (mixed flavours, some of them original).

Having selected your dish and finally decided who is going to get it, the waiter disappears. One of you goes to the kitchen and the other grabs the remote control from whomever has it and flicks through 600 satellite channels before settling for the channel it was on.

Gulp down the remaining wine from a bottle opened three days ago and search for another demi-filled bouteille left in a corner (house wine, of course).

Eventually, the smell of burning and a waft of blue haze passing across the TV screen will tell you that your meal was ready five minutes ago.

Go into the kitchen, grab knife, fork and whatever is burning and return to your seat to enjoy your meal.

After piling your dishes into the sink, on top of the others already there, you can enjoy a final cup of instant coffee (sorry, milk's off) before returning home.