Dad's Army

Right, Wilson. Get the men to gather round.

Yes, of course. I say, men, would you mind awfully… Thank you.

Now men, we've had a message from HQ about our training. Physically, we're in as fine a shape as any professional force and are fully prepared to defend the Novelty Rock Emporium. But it seems we'll need more than brawn and weapons to defeat the devilish invader. When Hitler lands, we need to be able not only to out-fight him but outwit him as well. It's up here that we'll – ouch!

Did you hurt yourself, Captain Mainwaring, sir? Poking your eye with that stick can be very nasty. I'll pop a bit of steak round later and you can put that on it. Though I'd like it back afterwards, as it's for my supper, you see.

All right, thank you, Jones. As I was saying, we need to develop our brainpower. Now, to this end, HQ has sent us a selection of puzzles to solve. So I want you each to tackle one. Now, Frazer, you'd better have the crossword – clue 1 Across is 'Fated (6)'; should be right up your street. Godfrey, where's Godfrey?

He's just popped out, Captain. Looking for somewhere to have a leak, I expect.

Well, he'd better have the wordsearch. Pike, here's yours.

Ooh thanks, Captain Mainwaring. Here – it's a join-the-dots. Uncle Arthur, would you help me look for number one?

Stupid boy! Now, Walker, you'd better tackle these practical problems.

Right, sir. Let's have a shufti. 'If five men dig a trench in three days, how long will it take 12 men to dig four trenches?' Easy, two weeks.

Two weeks? How do you work that out?

Sit in the pub drinking for 13 days and work like bu–

All right, that's enough of that! OK, what's the next one, Wilson?

Er, let me see. Battleships, I think.

I'd like to volunteer for Battleships, sir. I'd like that very much. I'll make some sausages like torpedoes and fire 'em at 'em. They don't like torpedoes up 'em, sir, they don't like it.

Yes Jones. Thank you, but I think you'd better stick to Spot the Difference, actually.

Yeah, he needs the practice; can't tell gristle from meat these days.

Jones, put that bayonet down. Walker, I've warned you before. One more word… Right, I think that only leaves the intellectual stuff – we'd better tackle that, Wilson.

Do you think that's wise?

Of course I do. Now, what's that batch called?

Er, Beyond Sudoku. Language-independent logical puzzles.

Hmm. Should be easy enough. Right, let's get at it. … Er, Wilson. I've just remembered I have an urgent meeting with the vicar about church hall bookings. Just finish these off, will you?